1
00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:03,586
[theme music playing]
2
00:00:06,756 --> 00:00:08,258
- Hey, Jake.
- Hey, Mom.
3
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Hey, man who could have dropped
Jake off in the driveway
4
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instead of coming into my house.
5
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Yes, I could have,
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but then I would have missed this.
7
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- go on, Jake.
- First of all, Mom, I love you.
8
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Jake, did you call your teacher
"big mama" again?
9
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- Mom, you're so funny.
- Yeah.
10
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Speaking of funny, what do you think
about beauty pageants?
11
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Well, Jake, I think beauty pageants
are fine for some people,
12
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but you really ought to stick with soccer.
13
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Mom, stop! My sides.
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We're having a fund-raiser at school.
It's a pageant for grandmas.
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Oh! A grandma pageant.
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Really. [chuckles]
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Little old ladies going up
on stage struttin' their stuff?
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- Mm-hmm.
- That is hilarious.
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[chuckling] Yeah. Yeah,
but that's not the funny part.
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I signed you up.
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[Reba] Ha, hey!
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{\an8}♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪
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{\an8}♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪
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♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪
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{\an8}♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪
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♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪
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♪ With gentle hands ♪
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{\an8}♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪
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{\an8}♪ I'm a survivor ♪
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{\an8}Mrs. H, I thought of the perfect thing
for you to wear at your pageant.
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{\an8}- Best of all, it's patriotic.
- What exactly could that be?
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{\an8}Red hair, white face, blue hat,
you are a flag.
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Yeah!
34
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Reba?
35
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{\an8}You've told me a thousand times,
and I've never listened.
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{\an8}You're right. I should
just keep my mouth shut.
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I'm just apologizing in advance.
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{\an8}Guess what I am.
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The new fruit in the Fruit of the Loom?
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{\an8}Brock told me about the pageant.
isn't it exciting?
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{\an8}What are you doin'?
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{\an8}I know that Jake felt
obligated to ask you,
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{\an8}but I just wanted to show him
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{\an8}what other options were available.
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After all, I am a step-grandma.
46
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With the brains of a "step-ladder."
47
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Wow, Barbra Jean.
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{\an8}- You look fantastic.
- Oh, this?
49
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{\an8}This was easy.
50
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{\an8}You know, just an old pageant gown,
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{\an8}some hair spray and makeup
52
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{\an8}and three strategically placed
rubber bands.
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- [snap]
- [groans]
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Two. Two rubber bands.
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Five.
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Yeah, we started with five rubber bands.
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Okay. Now, Jake,
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if you allow me to represent you
in the pageant,
59
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I have several song options
for the talent portion.
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Now, first, and a-one, and a-two!
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♪ I'm a Yankee doodle dandy ♪
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♪ Yankee doodle do or die ♪
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Now something more sedate,
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like this.
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♪ Ave maria ♪
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♪ Gratia de maria ♪
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Break it down, Mary!
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Yeah!
69
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[panting]
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I need a beer.
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[clears throat] Yeah, right behind you.
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Hey. Oh, no.
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- Did I miss Mary breaking it down? No.
- I could do it again. Okay.
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- So anyway, somebody ask me a question.
- Okay.
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What's wrong with you?
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I meant a pageant question.
77
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What exactly is missing from your life
that would make you enter a pageant?
78
00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:57,005
That's a good question, Bob.
79
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,926
I wanna be a role model,
80
00:05:02,051 --> 00:05:06,514
not just to grandmas,
but to all people everywhere.
81
00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:07,473
Hey, now.
82
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:13,563
To show compassion for the human race
83
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by visiting children's wards,
84
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volunteering at retirement homes
85
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and reading to the eyeless.
86
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- You mean to the blind?
- No.
87
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I mean the eyeless who can see.
88
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Okay, gee whiz. [laughs]
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Wow, Barbra Jean.
Your speech was really good.
90
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,133
And you sure do know how to tap.
91
00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:47,263
Yeah, but tap-dancing to that song
was just a little disrespectful.
92
00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:50,141
Now, if you wore a nun's costume, that--
93
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No. You know what?
I hear that's a tough habit to break.
94
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:58,316
No, you're right, Jake,
she would be great.
95
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,443
but you know, you kind of already
did ask your mom,
96
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And, well, if Barbra Jean's in it,
97
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she's gonna make my life miserable.
98
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,618
Actually, Brock, as I recall,
you picked me first, too.
99
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:16,959
So, Mom, you don't care
if Barbra Jean takes your place?
100
00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:19,295
No, she doesn't care.
You don't care, do you, Reba?
101
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Oh, not at all. No, no. Barbra Jean
is really good at these sort of things.
102
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Truly, she's a natural.
103
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So, Jake, you pick whichever one you want,
104
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and it won't hurt my feelings at all.
105
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- Well--
- [whispering] Pick me, pick me!
106
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I guess I pick Barbra Jean.
107
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Yes! [laughs]
108
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I mean, thank you,
and I hope I can live up
109
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to the confidence
and expectations you have in me.
110
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Okay.
111
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Well, looks like I'm out of the pageant,
so I'm gonna go have me some pie.
112
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[chuckling]
113
00:07:05,466 --> 00:07:08,177
Mom, you can't let Barbra Jean
enter that pageant.
114
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Why not? Old people
need to laugh too. [cackles]
115
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Jake wanted you to be in the contest.
that's why he came up with the idea.
116
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What are you talking about?
117
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It was his idea for the fund-raiser.
118
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He told his buddies
that you were gonna win
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because you're the youngest,
coolest grandma.
120
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He did?
121
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Yeah, and he's a hard-enough kid
to like without them seeing that.
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Oh, man! I didn't know it was
so important to him.
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Of course I'll do it.
124
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Hey, Reba, do you have any juggling pins?
125
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Yes, Barbra Jean.
they're in the backyard under the big top.
126
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You won't need 'em, Barbra Jean.
I've decided to enter the pageant.
127
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[chuckles] Well, that's okay.
You don't have to.
128
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I think it's important
to Jake that I do it.
129
00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:01,397
Well, what I think
is important to Jake [chuckles]
130
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is that somebody win,
131
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and let's face it, I have a better chance.
132
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Really? And why would you say that?
133
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Well, because I have experience.
134
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I have won four beauty contests already.
135
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Miss Value Mart, Miss Knox County PandE,
136
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,045
Miss Tastee Freez,
137
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and a wet t-shirt contest
down in Galveston.
138
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[pops lips]
139
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Why is it the stuff that
normal people try to forget...
140
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,643
you brag about?
141
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:46,067
Reba, try not to think of it
as you not being in the contest.
142
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:49,862
Think of it as me saving you from
making a fool of yourself.
143
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:59,288
Do you have a full-length mirror
in your house?
144
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:13,719
Reba, you have a great many talents.
145
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:16,097
You make a nice omelet. [giggles]
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But in this, you're out of your league.
147
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Barbra Jean, I'm entering this pageant
148
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,190
because I don't want to disappoint Jake,
149
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,068
but I'm gonna whip your butt.
150
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,696
That will be the icing on the cake.
151
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:35,324
Oh, well, bring it on, peaches.
152
00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,952
Bring it... on!
153
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:47,670
[theme music playing]
154
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:57,346
Hey. I thought I'd wear
my cousin's dress in the pageant.
155
00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:00,308
She got married three times
in this thing. It's lucky.
156
00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:04,353
Mom, you're gonna be in a beauty pageant.
157
00:10:04,353 --> 00:10:07,523
You have to wear something flashy.
Something that catches the eye.
158
00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:10,776
Or turn Your head into a flag.
I'm telling you.
159
00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:18,075
I'm sure if we look
way in the back of your closet,
160
00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:19,577
we can find something sexy.
161
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,704
Cheyenne, I've had three children.
162
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:24,540
the only thing sexy in my closet
is an old nursing bra.
163
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,459
Hey! Not in front of me.
164
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:29,629
We'll go shopping tomorrow.
165
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,131
Have you thought about
your talent routine?
166
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,300
Yes! I'm gonna do a comedy routine.
167
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,093
Oh, merciful God, no.
168
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:41,349
Look, I've been watching a lot
of late-night comics, and it looks easy.
169
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:44,268
All I need is a little practice,
and I can be as funny as they are.
170
00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:46,520
So sit back, shut up and laugh.
171
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,606
- Might want to work on your intro.
- Yeah.
172
00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:53,694
So it's great to be here with you tonight.
[laughs]
173
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:57,782
You know, I'm divorced,
so I'm back in the datin' world again.
174
00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,034
Datin'. Wow!
175
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,121
How many of you here are...
are single tonight?
176
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:07,917
[whispering] One, two, three, four, five.
177
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,670
So you know
what I'm talking about. [laughs]
178
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,052
So, New York. Wow. [laughs]
179
00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:21,389
How many of you are here from New York?
180
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,265
[mouthing words]
181
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,520
Man, cats and dogs
sure are different, huh?
182
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,188
- [laughs]
- You suck!
183
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:37,988
I'm sorry, Mrs. H,
but that's what they do at the clubs.
184
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:43,536
Mom, no offense, but I really...
I don't think stand-up's your thing.
185
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,579
Well, I can't do anything else.
186
00:11:45,579 --> 00:11:46,997
Comedy's all I know.
187
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,959
We have our work cut out for us.
188
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,752
[motivational music playing]
189
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,013
[inaudible]
190
00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:15,651
[inaudible]
191
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,884
[inaudible]
192
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:37,024
[inaudible]
193
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:12,142
[theme music playing]
194
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:16,939
Come on in, Mom.
195
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:28,367
Cheyenne, I feel overdressed... for Vegas.
196
00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:32,329
- Mom, you look fabulous.
- Thank you.
197
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:35,249
And considering what you did look like,
I'm brilliant.
198
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,711
Okay, I have to go.
I found a set of teeth.
199
00:14:42,339 --> 00:14:45,885
- Hello, Reba.
- Barbra Jean.
200
00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:51,432
Oh. Oh.
201
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:54,226
Mew. Mew.
202
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:56,979
I like your speech.
203
00:14:58,814 --> 00:15:00,065
Makes you sound smart.
204
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,111
I'm practicin' my elocution.
205
00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:07,364
One more weapon in my arsenal
with which to defeat you.
206
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,950
You. You.
207
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:13,120
I feel like I'm staring into a fish tank.
208
00:15:15,789 --> 00:15:18,292
Hey. I got your stuff, honey.
209
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:20,753
- The, uh... And, uh...
- Yeah.
210
00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:23,797
- Hey, Reba.
- Hey.
211
00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:28,510
Listen, you two,
I want you to remember something.
212
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,221
This pageant is for the school.
213
00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:33,390
It's not a competition
between the two of you.
214
00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:35,935
So no matter who wins or loses,
215
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,480
the most important thing is,
don't take it out on me.
216
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:48,197
Ha. The old Vaseline trick, eh?
217
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,783
[laughs] You newbies just kill me.
218
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:53,911
Hope you know
if you put too much of that on,
219
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:56,872
your lips get all slippery
and you start to slur your words.
220
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,584
[slurring] Thanks,
but I can handle this on my own.
221
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,337
[orchestra music playing]
222
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:06,507
[man on P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.
223
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,843
The pageant's gonna start soon.
224
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:11,929
Shouldn't you go change? [chuckles]
225
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,139
Shouldn't you apply
some more rubber bands?
226
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:18,185
[chuckles] Shouldn't you go...
Shouldn't you go...
227
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,312
That was the good one.
228
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:23,857
Okay, I'm looking for Grandma Hart.
229
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:25,609
- Oh, that'd be me.
- That's me.
230
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:29,154
I'm sorry, but we can only
have one grandma for each family.
231
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:31,573
So which of you is going
to represent the Harts?
232
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:32,825
- That'd be me.
- Me.
233
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:36,829
Okay. Why don't you two work it out,
and I'll check back with you.
234
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:37,746
Okay.
235
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,667
If there's only gonna be one of us,
that one is gonna be me.
236
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,795
Oh, well, I don't think so.
That crown is mine.
237
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:48,632
I'm Elizabeth's real grandma. You're just
a crazy woman who married grandpa.
238
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:53,637
But I have to be in this one.
239
00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:54,596
Why?
240
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:57,641
How many to you have to win
until it's enough?
241
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,855
- One.
- What?
242
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:03,981
You heard me.
243
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,734
I just wanna win one.
244
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,279
Wait a minute.
What about all those other pageants?
245
00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:13,032
I thought you were Miss Frozen Meats
or something.
246
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:17,661
It was Miss Tastee Freez,
and I came in last.
247
00:17:17,661 --> 00:17:19,329
I always come in last.
248
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,832
Even at the wet t-shirt contest.
249
00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:24,835
How was I supposed to know
it was a gay bar?
250
00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,508
Well, if none of 'em ever worked out,
251
00:17:31,508 --> 00:17:33,802
why the heck did you want
to enter another pageant?
252
00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:34,762
Well, I figured
253
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:38,057
I could finally whup
a bunch of old grandmas.
254
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,934
I didn't figure that one of those
old grandmas was gonna be you.
255
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:45,314
Who's gonna vote for me
if you're in the contest?
256
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:46,732
- Barbra Jean--
- You know...
257
00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:50,069
ever since I was a little girl...
258
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:54,156
all I ever wanted to be
was a beauty queen.
259
00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:56,241
They were...
260
00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:00,245
They were like... beautiful queens.
261
00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:08,045
But in real life,
262
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,673
they were just small-town girls
that worked at the Piggly Wiggly.
263
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:14,802
Just like me.
264
00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:18,597
So, do we have a Grandma Hart yet?
265
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:22,684
Yes. It's her.
266
00:18:23,393 --> 00:18:26,522
Good. Ladies, we'll be filing
on stage in just a minute.
267
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,067
Reba, why'd you do that?
268
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:35,823
Because I know how much it means to you.
269
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,534
- You'll be great, Barbra Jean.
- Thanks.
270
00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:50,045
Oh. Excuse me.
271
00:18:51,004 --> 00:18:54,633
Just between us grandmas,
I am hotter-looking than she is, right?
272
00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:07,521
Good luck.
273
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:23,912
Oh, man. It feels so good
to get out of those high heels.
274
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,372
Oh, tell me about it.
275
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,253
[clears throat] Ladies and gentlemen,
276
00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:34,506
presenting the reigning queen...
277
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:37,634
of the Parker Elementary School
Pageant of Grandmas,
278
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,595
Mrs. Barbra Jean Hart.
279
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,104
Thank you. thank you.
280
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:53,358
That's the way she's gonna enter
every room for the next six months.
281
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,946
I'm very happy for you, Barbra Jean.
282
00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:00,532
Oh, honey, can you get me a soda?
283
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:04,786
What took you guys so long?
284
00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:07,039
We had to stop and buy a tiara.
285
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,665
- Hey, they should have had one.
- Yeah.
286
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:12,544
- Here's your pie, Van.
- Oh, thanks.
287
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:15,339
- Hey, can you get me a soda?
- What am I, your wife?
288
00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:21,386
Hey, Jake, you okay with it that
I didn't get to enter the contest?
289
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:25,057
Yeah. It was way better that
Barbra Jean entered. She was awesome.
290
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:29,436
- Oh!
- My friends thought it was so cool
291
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,688
when your baton lit the curtain on fire.
292
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,366
Those old ladies sure can run, can't they?
293
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:50,707
[theme music playing]
294
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:20,737
{\an8}[voiceover] ACME! [coughing]